June 20, 2003

Just saw The Matrix Reloaded. Didn't understand a single thing. Here's what it looked like to me:
      Machines are burrowing down to destroy a city called Zion. Zion looks just like the Death Star, except it's really dirty and has shitty lighting. There's a high council that runs everything. They're dressed up for Kwanzaa. Everyone else wears dirty sweaters. People are worried about the attack until Lawrence Fishburne delivers the "I Have a Dream" speech in this cave from the Planet of the Apes set. Then the cast of Stomp performs and they have a rave. Everyone is happy except some uptight army asshole. Keanu Reeves takes the opportunity to fuck his girlfriend, but they don't show her titties or anything.
      Despite the sex and the rave, Keanu Reeves is unhappy. He's haunted by doubt. A pedophile priest takes him down to look at some big machines and that seems to help a little. Then a bunch more people give speeches about destiny and machines. They say stuff like, "You will do what you are meant to do" and "The program has a program which was written by a program. Those pigeons are a program. My big fucking fat fucking ass is a big fat fucking program within another cocksucking program." The speeches go on for about five hours. I want to kill myself.
      Someone gives Keanu Reeves a spoon and we're all like "whoa, a spoon, that's certainly mysterious and I just can't wait until the next movie when this spoon business is cleared up," except we're not because we just want that freaky freeze-frame kung fu shit to start. It finally does start. Everyone says "Mark my words" and "How would you like a bullet in the head?" Two guys who look like Johnny Winters show up. Then there's this completely bitching highway chase that seems to be the whole reason the movie was made. It's great.
      Then Keanu Reeves goes into a room with Colonel Sanders. You can't understand anything the Colonel says because he speaks exclusively in words like assiduously, parameter, and ergo. Keanu Reeves gets mad and leaves. His girlfriend gets killed, but he brings her back to life. They go back to the real world and the movie ends, and the guy from Rage Against the Machine starts screaming his fucking head off. After the credits, there's a preview for the next Matrix movie. It looks just like this one except it's raining.