April 05, 2002

Our Hollywood correspondent, Mark Becker, has the inside scoop on Shaquille O'Neal's recent 30th birthday party, and you won't believe what happened. Actually, you will believe it, because nothing all that amazing happened. But still.

	Here's what the invitation looked like after it was faxed, copied, folded, stuck in the editor's ass pocket for ten hours, scanned, and reduced.

I'm not a fan of Shaquille O'Neal. I think he's too physical, can't shoot free throws, and spends too much time in the post. But that didn't stop him from inviting me to his 30th birthday party.
      Okay, so I'm a valet parking attendant in Los Angeles, but I still got the whole "crib" experience like any other party-goer.
      Shaq's spread is impressive, no doubt. But what's even more impressive is the layout of his Mulholland Estates neighborhood. It's located on a ridge just past Mulholland and Beverly Glen Boulevards. It has a more-than-inspiring view of the San Fernando Valley. Anyone looking to get into Shaq's 'hood has to get past the security gate. Once inside, every street is perfectly paved and, despite the fact that they see few cars, wide enough to accommodate four lanes of traffic. Palm, maple, and pine trees line each side of the street and the center divider. Yellow speed bumps keep the high school kids honest.
      Shaq lives toward the end of a cul-de-sac, the same one that is home to Paula Abdul and Tom Arnold (both of whom attended. Shaq made it a point to invite all of his neighbors to inhibit them from complaining about the noise. It didn't work.) His house is by no means the most impressive one in Mulholland Estates, nor even the most impressive house on his street, but it is a stunning spread.
      The front doors are made up mostly of thick glass, engraved with the the Superman insignia. When you enter, the kitchen is directly in front, with a flat screen television on the main counter, which was playing ESPNews at the time I cruised in to use the restroom. Most of the kitchen is black marble. There are countless posters of Shaq throughout the house, most of them bearing that same Superman "S" logo. Shaq has a mini-hoop for his son set up in the front hallway. I got the feeling that mini-Shaq wouldn't be using that hoop for long.
      The party was set up almost entirely in Shaq's backyard. The entrance to the party took you along the side of the underground garage to the huge lawn in the back, located along the side of the hill. A crew had set up a huge tent for the 200-plus guests. When I entered, a video of birthday shout-outs from Shaq's homies was playing while the big fella sat in an oversized (even for Shaq) wooden chair on a stage, puffin' contentedly on a stogie. (I later found out that cigars were part of the party favors. Shaq apparently has an affinity for the Cubans.) Drinks were being consumed by the mostly black, wealthy crowd, but no one seemed too out of hand.
      Okay, celebrities: Dyan Cannon, a regular courtside Laker fan, showed up looking quite healthy for her age. I strolled past her on my way to the bathroom as she walked with her friend and sipped lemon water from a wine glass, keeping that girlish figure in shape. She insisted that her SUV be parked close, a demand that was predicted by some of my co-workers who've worked other parties she attended.
      Brian Shaw pulled up with his wife in a Cadillac Escalade. I noticed that before I got in to park the thing he switched the track on the CD player and cranked up the rap a bit. Maybe he just wanted to give a white boy some appreciation for the tunes, which were quite good. Before Shaw left he remarked that it was unfortunate more people didn't show up despite them saying they would. "Somaki called and said he was on his way and he hit a bump and messed up his truck," he remarked.
      Derek Fisher greeted me as I pulled up in his gray Lexus. I'm not sure what "Fish" is listed as in the program, but he's barely taller than me, and I'm 5'11" on a good day. Plus he looked slimmer than his buff television image. He tipped $5, and he was nice and remarkably sober, considering that he was reportedly very drunk at Shaq's New Year's bash (another report from fellow valets).
      Michael Rappaport showed up solo wearing jeans and a Yankees hat. I didn't talk to him, but as I watched him sizing up the scene he seemed kind of like most of the characters he plays: young, curious, and fun-loving.
      Rick Fox and Vanessa Williams were there, but I didn't have the good fortune of seeing them. Apparently they pulled up together in separate cars, then left together in separate cars. Huh? Maybe they just really love their own respective vehicles.
      There was one pretty drunk fellow who stumbled out with a half-full martini glass, and a large gentleman driving a new Corvette who sniffed at the air like it was flu season as he handed me a five and got into his ride. Other than that, I didn't notice any seriously out-of-control party-goers. Most of Shaq's buddies seemed rather pleasant. I was too, as I pocketed my $31 in tips for the night and rode away from the ridge as the clock struck 2 a.m.